Holding Grief

8” x 10” archival print on Moab Lasal Matte paper. Sometimes you don’t know where to put your grief and your broken heart and you have no choice but to hold it for a little while.

I made this drawing after one of my best friends moved last week. Since I was 17, I’ve struggled with a fear of abandonment. I think partly because I didn’t have good, or really any, friendships when I was young, and then when I grew up and formed bonds with other grown people, having them leave felt wrong. They were mine now, I finally had them…why do they have to leave? It’s honestly very Peyton Sawyer of me. It’s taken a long time for me to understand that sometimes people need to leave in order to grow, or pursue themselves and that it has nothing to do with me. That, and also, Nebraska is usually not the final destination for anyone. Anyway, my friend moved away, and instead of sitting with deep sadness, we filled the last days with her with joy and celebration. And now, after 10 years of processing my fear of abandonment, I’m allowing myself to hold my grief without letting it take me over. I love you, Jacqueline, I hope Connecticut has beautiful fireflies and amazing stars for you.